In this week’s comic, I wanted a look at how my anxiety manifests on the surface for me, especially as I don’t tend to suffer from the same sort of outward panic attacks that seem to be the norm for those with anxiety on average. I never really understood these feelings were anxiety until recently, and through all my younger years I never wanted them to show outwardly for what it truly was, panic! As I felt it made me weak, so my expression of my anxiousness became much more overt and aggressive, I think to compensate.
I’d lose focus on anything else other what was causing my anxiety, I’d become more irritable, and short tempered. Slowly becoming more vocal about my irritation, I could lash out at those only trying to help. All this would mount in a completely different kind of “attack” that I want to explore in depth next week.
Now I simply want to make a progress note. With Fan Expo now passed, I mark another convention I didn’t have crippling anxiety attacks after the show. I had some smaller ones during the first night of the show, but nothing as usual. This despite there being some significant emotional ups and downs during the show that would normally trigger massive rethinking and panic.
Just going to keep it short and sweet this week, as this one I feel is self explanatory. Unfortunately though I do feel the root of a good portion of this anxiety is directly rooted to some very negative feedback I received regularly about my appearance from a family member when I was younger, and really most of my life. Some of these are direct quotes. Aside from my personal reasons I think we all in some way fear the judgments of others, and should remember to try to be more accepting.
I actually pushed a different unfinished comic through this week, feeling covering this specific idea right as Fan Expo is coming up would be ideal. As this comic represents how most cons go for me, cool as a cucumber on the outside, flaming wreck on the inside, and I’m sure many others are the same!
With me specifically I actually find that my anxiety always kicks in worst after the convention, to the point where I usually have full on panic attacks as part of recovering from a con. I tend to over analyze things that happen. I find its especially bad for me when I get to interact with so many people, many of them artists, some of which I look up to. Having so much going on at once leaves you open for many more wonderful moments, but also for more of those moments where you feel like an idiot.
I have found it to be getting better; Toronto Comicon 2016 was the first convention where the panic didn’t happen. Though I have done a smaller con since where it happened again. Over all I am working on mediating my interactions at cons, as I know a lot of the anxiety comes from an overload of social interaction. I make sure to take some time away from the crowds alone where and when I can. Or find small moments to myself using headphones and music to cancel out some of what is going on around me (especially when setting up).
I hope this this little comic is just a bit of comfort, we are not alone. Whether you hide your panic or wear it on your sleeve, we have all been there and understand. Find me with Jaded Dragon Studio at Table A382.
This week’s comic dealt with what I discovered to be an entirely irrational fear of the Internet. It started when I first started using the internet a lot when I got my first computer. This was much later than many others as my dad had an aversion to them at first. Most kids had a computer in the house through most of their high school lives; we got our first when one was given to us as a perk through one of our installation renovation jobs when I was twenty. My main interest in computers was for my art, I had used really early versions of Photoshop in school and knew it would be a benefit for me to try and learn to use the program, especially as I hadn’t really found a colour medium that worked for me.
Of course with the discovery of my new computer came the Internet, unfortunately I missed the glory days of “all your base are belong to us.” and entered as the Internet was fast becoming “the new media” and a viable source of revenue. It was the dawn of what we now call social media, with a variety of websites providing a virtual space for people to share of themselves with the world…sometimes truths, sometimes fiction, mostly anonymous. Myspace, Live Journal, Deviant Art were some of the most popular. Being that I was an artist I only ended up joining Deviant Art, because an odd obstacle would be there to challenge me.
Where even something as simple as signing up for a website causes me unnatural and irrational amounts of anxiety. To the point where I would start to sign up for a website and stop several times, because the fear was so overwhelming. Even with the sites I managed to make accounts for, just having and interacting with the account would cause me a variety of anxieties as well. Before and after posting irrational doubts or concerns would occupy my mind. But if I didn’t post frequently enough I would get anxious I wasn’t posting enough. I’d stew over the time I felt I maybe wasted interacting with these strangers online, but would also feel guilty if I didn’t reciprocate. Fears my work and ideas would be stolen, just an irrational fear of the Internet having record of something as intimate to me as my art. It just got to the point where even just using a DA account became unbearable, but at that point it was easy to just stop using it.
For a few years I danced and avoided the social media revolution, with friends pestering me to join Facebook. Finally I did, just before I started school at Max the Mutt. It became most apparent that social media promotions were going to be vital to my future career when signing up for a variety of social media sites and creating a portfolio was assigned as homework, but that prospect meant using more of these sites at one time. At this point in time I had not yet come to understand or accept this part of my anxiety.
It was only after a few years of using it unaware of the effect it had on me emotionally, that I started to realize what was going on. The ebb and flow of my emotions became directly affected by my social media posting. Didn’t really matter what was going on in the real world, a post that didn’t get the attention I felt it deserved could ruin my day, and even the positive returns were diminishing. Someone unfollowing an account of mine could make me really sad, especially if it could be linked to a specific post, what about it made them want to stop seeing my work? It would consume me, unnecessarily. Seeing highlights from others’ lives would make me question my own happiness. Those people are happy traveling, should I want to travel? Those people are happy with their work, is my work really fulfilling enough? When really I never wanted much, and I have all I dreamed of and more. It got to the point I needed to consciously disconnect from the unhealthy emotional attachment I formed with social media.
I still experience some anxiety over posting online, this comic today was a particularly tough one, but because of my practiced detachment now, I try to put it out, and once it’s out let it go. It is no longer mine to control others reactions will be what they are. No longer will I let it control my happiness, or self-worth.
This week’s anxiety comic came as I started to better understand where this new intensity of anxiousness was rooted. Inevitably linked to the inherent instability of my new “dream career”. I feel artists are inherently hard themselves and their own work, never feeling its quite up to snuff. Mostly this drives us to do what we do. To always draw and improve, but when those feelings become a block that stop us all together, it may be time to let some of that go. Many of my early jobs also rooted a fear of being screwed over, because basically that’s what happened with most of my early jobs. People making promises and never paying. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and giving up. I got wise, I begain creating business policies to protect myself, and the clients still came, now more reliable ones. Still I can never know what’s coming, so I try my best to be accepting of that and to be grateful for the opportunities I have been presented.
This week’s anxiety comic focused on the insomnia aspect. I have always had bouts of insomnia, but with the anxiety it was different. More than just not being able to fall asleep because I could not stop thinking. It was as if a light, the flame brain, was immediately turned on, just as I was on the brink of falling asleep, (or more usual now, early in the morning) my body would literally jerk fully awake, and sometimes it makes me say or shout things involuntarily, always negative. My body would vibrate and tense up as the flame burned, sleep at that point was usually impossible, and it was often better to get up and be productive. At least it gave me one benefit that I am now a morning person, something I’ve never really been before.
Well, I am going to have to make a slight change to my game plan with my weekly web comic. This is mostly because I have had a lot of work coming in recently, with my recent move, (which didn’t go as smooth as may have liked, still living out of boxes) very little interest in my Patreon and a few other emotionally taxing things going on in my life. I haven’t had the appropriate time and energy to push through writing the dialog for Bolts. Bolts being one of my oldest and most treasured stories, I want to make sure the writing gets the attention it deserves. So I won’t be running it right away anymore.
Of course so many years of neglecting to post my comic work has left me with at least 5 weeks of a small single panel comic to fill in with for the moment. It may even help to explain, in part, why there is so much I’ve never shown online. These mini comics were done more recently as an exercise for myself when I started going to counseling, for a prolonged state of depression and anxiety last summer. Depression and me have always been familiar bedfellows, I understand it’s as part of my emotional process, how to analyze its nuances, and move through it. This anxiety was something new and foreign that only happened to present itself more recently. It made me very uncomfortable, nothing like the almost familiar comfort depression had.
This forced me to explore these feelings extensively, to try and find the root of these irrational fears that had taken so much hold on my life, and try to find a way, if not to try and defuse it but at least mediate the feelings. I’m honestly not sure if it was the counseling, and it’s cognitive behavioral therapy, that was the aid or another option that became available, but I have had a marked improvement since then. I share the comics now, hoping they provide a little insight or comfort to others.
This week: Intro to flame brain
This was just basic visual representation to how exactly the anxiety made me feel. I felt as though my head was burning and the longer and hotter it burned the more chance my head would have to explode! Sometimes I wished it would explode for real, as if that would release the pressure.
I am excited to release the new chapter, it is after great debate I’ve decided to release only this title page and the next page in colour, and the rest in black and white. I want to save some of the colour pages for print in a new comicbook for Fan Expo.
Releasing these comics weekly has really been the enouragement for me to do what I find to be the hardest part of making comics for me, writing the final dialog and putting it out there for the world to see. The commitment I made to myself and to those who follow my social media, helps me get over the desperate desired to hide away my most precious creations, and pressures me to create more, to continue these stories.
I’ve been wanting to do a contest for awhile now and it seemed like an appropriate time. There was an overwhelming interest in doing a contest for free comics, So I’m going to give away 4 comics, one for each social media platform I use. I’m planning on these being the first issue in the proxy series. Once the images are posted on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram follow the instructions on the image to enter. You may enter over several social media platforms but only entry per account on that platform. Only one win per person, if you happen to win on two platforms the prize will be given to the runner up. If you happen to already own the first issue you will be provided with the second or another prize of equal retail value. Any information regarding your entry must be visible to me, this may be affected by your own privacy settings depending on the platform. If you win you must be willing to provide a shipping address to send the prize to or you will forfeit to the next runner up. I’m hoping to run the contest over the weekend and pick the winners on Monday, but depending on the activity I may extend that time line by a day or two. I appreciate the interest in my contest and wish you luck.
I am very excited to exhibit the GTA Expo this weekend, being hosted from 10 am to 4 pm May 1st 2016 at the Toronto Sheraton Center at 123 Queen St. W. This is my first convention I have ever been invited to as a guest or featured artist. It is an amazing opportunity that I greatly appreciate, and the whole thing already has been such a great experience, and I haven’t even done the convention yet.
I first met 2 of the organizers Fareham and Chris in person at the Toronto Com-icon. They were incredibly nice, loved my set up and offered tickets to my cousin who was helping at the table and to me to bring some fiends to the show. They also brought up that the original Pink Ranger Amy Jo Johnson was going to be a celebrity guest at their show, and it might be nice for me to do an art print of her, something I had in mind to do as well.
All of this is very surreal to me in some aspects, Kimberly the Pink Ranger was on of my favorite Rangers and Power Rangers were a big part of my youth, and now we are both guests at the same Expo. All be it top vs bottom of the totem pole, it’s still incredible to me and makes me feel I am moving forward in my career, and am incredibly grateful for the recognition. I want the beauty of all the synchronicity I’d been experiencing to be reflected in the piece. Recently I have been working with water colours an unusual medium for me. But it just seem the right way to go for a Pink Ranger piece.
For the illustration I knew I wanted to do the more structural costume from the original movie, with the Pink Rangers avatar in that movie I saw an opportunity to do something angelic with the design. First I did a digital sketch, sketching digitally allow me to more easily mirror the image to check for mistakes, as well as it is easier and faster to correct those mistakes digitally. I find for me I end up with a much more accurate final drawing this way. Once complete I size the sketch and print it out.
I taped that printout to the back of my watercolour paper and worked off a light box for most of the painting process, this was nice as in the end the piece has absolutely no pencil lines. The above image was the my set up for my first round of painting, done at my best friend Syn’s place a fellow artist who really encouraged me to try more painting. See her work here synescape.ca.
Over the next few sessions I just began to build up the paint, ensuring to check the piece with the light box off.
My painting set up at home, the paint I’m using is not actually paint, they are Lyra Aquacolor hi-quality, basically a water soluble pastel or crayon. I find them very easy to transport and extremely versatile.
Finally after I felt the colour work was as far as I could take it I went in and inked using a push and Staedtler pigment liner.
Finally I scanned and prepared the piece for printing I will have a limited number of prints available in different sizes at the GTA Expo as well as the original art as well. I do have a few new smaller prints of various new pieces and more new full colour original art.
Finally and most recently the GTA Expo offered me 10 seconds of free advertising on their video screens through out the con. I made a few attempts myself to edit a video on my phone, but as you can see on my You tube channel, they were just a little too low resolution. So again my friend Syn to the rescue, who helped me edit a high resolution video to my specifications and adding even better lettering effects.
Overall I am blow away with how I have been treated by this convention I can not wait until Sunday, I have a bunch of friends coming and this will be the first convention my Dad is coming to as well. I’m sure this will be one of the best shows yet!
The next show on the docket is the Bazaar of the Bizarre, a unique Toronto based and traveling marketplace that feature an array of artisans, craftsmen, jewelers illustrators and more. Hosted by Plastik Wrap at The Pia Bouman School of Ballet at 6 Noble St., the Circus Sideshowspring edition of the Bazaar is coming up on March 27th from 11AM to 6 PM. I’m going to be tabling with my best friend Synescape, always one of my biggest supporters, her unique style and keen eye for design has always been an inspiration and an aid to me when in need.
She always pushes me out of my comfort zone, as she prefers the medium of paint. We have had a few painting dates in preparation for the show. I will have a few more original pieces of art I have done specifically for this show, as well as my usual selection of art prints. These are some original paintings I did for the show, inspired by a nightmare I had in my youth. These are the first illustrations I’ve ever done of Batman and the Joker.
My Modded Fae illustration are, for the moment only being offered as originals, I will also have a few spots open for portrait commissions in this series. These pieces were inspired from some drawing I did back when I was 16 that were done in black and white with all the piercings filled in with silver gel pen. Here is a look at some of the works in progress.
Synescape is bringing pieces from from 2 new series. Her Live Wire Series feature varieties of wires, cords and connectors that sprout and grow like vegetation.
As well as her Ombre Series stunning silhouettes with sky scapes from morning, evening, and night. You can see more of her thoughts on these series on her blog post here.
These shows are always a pleasure to work and I am looking forward to all the amazing treats to be found this weekend.
March has been a fantastically busy month. With Toronto Comicon just finished and the Bazaar of the Bizarre coming up this weekend. With several commission picked up at comicon, as well as some current charater design work I am doing, I’m going to be quite busy. I just wanted to take the time for a quick look back over my weekend.
Toronto Comicon 2016 was one of my most successful yet! I feel the work I’ve put in to improving my set up, my selection, and the addition of mutiple sizes of prints has really made my work more accessible and increased my sales overall. I did have to increase some of my prices this year as well, with table and printing costs increasing. But none the less I found no one was taken aback by the cost, and no mater the budget there was something in that price range.
From a personal perspective, I had an amazing time! I have recently Quit smoking and found not having to go out to feed my addiction has given me so much more time at the table and to enjoy the con. As always I am so very grateful to my partner Isaac and my cousin Rachel for their help with my table! I had alot of time to shop and speak with friends and teachers, alot of people from Max the Mutt were around me. I really love the feeling of community at these shows and getting the chance to socialize after months alone in my studio is always reffeshing. The support I receive from so many people is very appreciated!
I feel the convention was well organised, and I was lucky with my location this year. Previous years I have not been in such a central location and I do feel this has an effect on sales. I was very close to Rob Liefeld which was an odd expirience being someone who’s work was so prolific through my youth, I didn’t even go to meet him but being so close in real life was almost surreal. I’m not realy sure if it had a positive effect. I didn’t necessarily notice an increased traffic flown as his line was strategically routed behind the curtins of the outer ring. The guest list was superb both celebrity and otherwise. I was very happy to see many of my favorite artist on the guest list.
I’d say one of the highlights for me was meeting the organisers of the GTA Expo. They recently asked me to be a guest at their convention On May 1st 2016. This is the first time I have ever been asked to be a guest at a convention and it is a great honor! They were so impressed with my set up they want me to do the same at their show and they will provide me the space to do so. As well they handed me some extra tickets to bring a few friends to the show with me, I just can’t help but express my elation at their kindness! Probably one of the Coolest updates of all, they landed Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Ranger as a celebrity guest. Once again my youth dragged into my current reality and thrown in front of me.
Maybe I made the mistake in my youth of telling myself that my world and what was on T.V. were two different worlds that would never meet. But they do, specifically at conventions, a big part of my job. But my brain still just breaks a bit evey time the two meet now and I become a babbling idiot! None the less I look forward to meeting her, I have tried twice to see my favorite charater from Power Rangers Tommy (Jason David Frank) and unfortunately both visits to Canada were canceled. Despite the fact that in my youth it was a love/hate sort of feeling, I think there would be no denying Kimberly was defiantly my second favorite. I have ideas brewing for a nice piece with the both of them.
Well I was not expecting that to digress into a rant about Power Rangers and meeting celebritys, but I think I’ll leave it as clearly those were the feeling that needed to be expressed. I have lots of pictures of the Comicon posted publicly on my personal Facebook page, please feel free to check them out here. Overall very happy with the start of my con season and know this is shaping up to be an amazing year as I push forward with many projects, the launch of my web comics and Patreon. More show updates coming soon.
I’m super excited to be launching my brand new website beccatr.com! It has been a long time coming, over a year of procrastinating, and nit picking and fretting. I so appreciate the patience of my web designer/ boyfriend Isaac in that time. He has done a fantastic job keeping up with my many requests, and really took the time to build the website really I wanted.
The real push to put it live came for me when I realized the amount of my own comic content that I have been sitting on for years. Some of it only having very limited print runs or with only sporadic periods to work on my own creations having left me with several mostly finished pages. I figured it would be much more appropriate to start putting the content online, to reach a larger audience and to provide regular comic content for those who follow my work. So here is the plan from here.
The websight has gone live with the full preview issue, the first chapter, of my horror story the Twisted Tale of a Tortured Raven for you to enjoy. It has 8 full colour pages, concept art, a print and sketchs. From here on out I will be releasing one full page a week, on Wednesdays, from 3 different stories I have been working on over the past few years. Currently I have over 6 months of finished inked pages to share with you.
To coincide with the release of the new websight I have set up a patreon for anyone who wants to show their support though a monthly donation. It would be greatly appreciated! I can already guarantee 6 months + of weekly comic content no matter what is raised. Donations to the patrion will alow me to devote more time to creating new content and to support the current content as its going up. Depending on your pledge level you can get exclusive content, works in progress of the pages, Early release of the pages, exclusive video content and streams, prints and other projects, and elegability for prints,comics digital downloads and original art. I have tried to provide various different options but I am open to specific suggestion or request for pledge levels. Any one time donations can be sent through PayPal or etansfer to beccatr.art@gmail.com.
The current release schedule for my comics content is as follows.
First up is and 11 week (March 9th 2016-May 11th 2016) run of Proxy, a semi-autobiographical meta horror comic. This Creepypasta inspired story follows my own torment of being haunted by a malicious entity. Follows my trials as it enters my timeline, violently alters my history, and forces me to draw comics about it. Proxys recommended rating is PG13 for cartoon gore and violence.
Next up is 7 weeks (May 18th 2016- June 29th 2016) of the New and improved Raven, this is all newly written content. The Twisted Tale of a Tourtured Raven is a steampunk horror comic with a unique take on death. First you saw her rebirth now know her death. Her task sparks memories that send her realing through her own past life events. This comic underwent some redesign after the release of the preview issue, some were based off some suggestions from people who enjoyed the book and contacted me. Others because my speed and skill improved and I felt a fully inked book would feel more cohesive and “dark” especially for where I want it to go. For now I am debating whether this chapter will now be presented in black and white or colour, I have the time to see if there is the interest in the book to do a colour version. But I will do at least a black and white run of chapter 2. The Ravens recommended rating is R for graphic violence nudity and mature themes and subject matter. This is the NSFW material.
Finally I will run 6 weeks (July 6th 2016- August 10th 2016) of Bolts. One of my oldest concepts for a comic book, I originally began writing when I was 13. This book has gone through various iterations over the years. At its roots it was heavily influenced by 1980s Sci-Fi anime, Bolts is like Star Wars crossed with X-men. As a small resistance group of Psy-humans defends the planet Mars against an invasion from Earth military forces. Bolts recommend rating is PG13.
The Firm scheduling stops here as I hope to complete 2-4 new pages of Bolts for it’s relase. But Bolts will most likely be followed by 16 weeks of the already completed Proxy 2.
Telling stories through comics has always been my dream. But in its day and age there are so many options for presenting comics to the world. I feel this will be a sustainable option for me while also freelancing on the side. It will also alow me the creative freedom and controle I desire, but also allow me to hear feedback and engage directly with those who are interested in the work. Any donations will be much appreciate as it will make my plan even more sustainable.
