On Fire for Anxiety 11

This week I actually wanting to give more thought to my process of healing. I’ve been doing a lot of personal soul-searching and a lot of research online in regards to anxiety, depression and anything that may give me help and insight into what has been effecting me recently and various methods of therapy available. I have taken a break from Facebook, something that was suggested could aggravate the things I’ve been feeling. Like a puzzle that has confounded me I am determined to work towards a solution.

In doing this I am having to look at things I haven’t in years, tracing back the roots of my negative behavior to generally a single moment where that pattern took root. Much of it is too much to share here yet in its entirety, as I am only starting to scratch the surface of the “hows” and “whys”. Yet there is much that is becoming more clear and though the path is long and will be painful, I see that it is a path to healing through acceptance and forgiveness of myself and others.

Short and sweet, just a bit overwhelmed this week. 😉

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

On Fire for Anxiety 11

On Fire for Anxiety 10

This week’s comic addresses the rather darker aspect of self-mutilation, I bounced back and forth if I should include this panel. Though I have been free from it for years my skin itself speaks the truth of what a prevalent part of my life it once was, so I finally decided I needed to include it.

It’s strange so many years later to have found a better understanding as to why this was so effective and addictive for me. If the anxiety that, I’m coming to realize, seems to have always been a part of my life is a result of an overactive, and unnecessary fight or flight response. The calming effect of causing damage was undeniable, with the release of endorphins the flame brain would finally calm, and I would experience a kind of peace and relaxation that was and still is rare for me to know.

But my arms would end up just covered with cuts, which for the most part I wouldn’t hide. It became too much, I knew it wasn’t a solution, it was just dysfunctional. I broke the pattern so long ago but still it was like any other addiction, you have to be firm with the decision, understand that you may relapse, but keep pushing forward with your goal.

I still struggle with many of my feelings every day, using this comic and blog to help me better understand myself, where these feelings are coming from and how to heal these parts of myself. I’m hope that making these public may mean that maybe my experience can help someone else too. Even if it’s just to let them know they are not alone.

Many resources are available, I started by speaking with my doctor, and found I had many options from group therapy to one on one counseling. The first step is to reach out and tell someone to talk about how you feel, and to ask for help.

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

On Fire for Anxiety 10

On Fire for Anxiety 9

With the completion of NPC I’m back to work on my own weekly web comic. I missed it, I definitely find it cathartic, and I’ve had some challenges facing my very chaotic emotions recently. But it is a bit like trying to pick up a train of thought again, I kind of forgot where I was going. Especially, as it seems surprisingly appropriate after the presidential election yesterday! This week’s comic focuses on the final stage of an attack for me. Tears, that extinguishes the flames. Though I am often left feeling burnt out depressed and often extremely guilty. The high intensity burn of the anxiety finally subsides. But for how long.

Crying though often seen as something bad to be stopped or avoided, I’ve always tried to view as a necessary release. It surprised me when I considered how often I use crying as a positive release is to aid my normal functionality, many mornings as I begin warming up for my days illustrating I play music I can sing to. Often I become moved to tears over the expression of a sad song and I cry a bit. I feel all good art stems from emotion, and it’s good to stir things up. I also found that release in the morning even if I had nothing in particular to cry brought about my calmer, more inspired more productive days. So maybe for me expression through the tears, through expression through singing really does help quench my flame brain.

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

On Fire for Anxiety 9

On Fire for Anxiety 8

This week I look at how I “break down” when the strain of the anxiety becomes too much. Unlike the typical panic attack, my breakdowns often involve a blind rage that can cause me to lash out unexpectedly all around me!  I may yell at nothing or verbally attack and blame others. I may become more physical, stomping and banging on things, or throwing things, possibly breaking them. At my worst when I was young I would self mutilate. A topic I hope to explore further in these comics.

But for the moment I have to take a short hiatus from doing my weekly Wednesday web comic, as I have been hired to do another web comic that releases on Tuesdays and Fridays, I’m super excited about it. So stay aware, I will be sharing links!

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

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On Fire for Anxiety 7

In this week’s comic, I wanted a look at how my anxiety manifests on the surface for me, especially as I don’t tend to suffer from the same sort of outward panic attacks that seem to be the norm for those with anxiety on average. I never really understood these feelings were anxiety until recently, and through all my younger years I never wanted them to show outwardly for what it truly was, panic! As I felt it made me weak, so my expression of my anxiousness became much more overt and aggressive, I think to compensate.

I’d lose focus on anything else other what was causing my anxiety, I’d become more irritable, and short tempered. Slowly becoming more vocal about my irritation, I could lash out at those only trying to help. All this would mount in a completely different kind of “attack” that I want to explore in depth next week.

Now I simply want to make a progress note. With Fan Expo now passed, I mark another convention I didn’t have crippling anxiety attacks after the show. I had some smaller ones during the first night of the show, but nothing as usual. This despite there being some significant emotional ups and downs during the show that would normally trigger massive rethinking and panic.

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

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On Fire for Anxiety 6

Just going to keep it short and sweet this week, as this one I feel is self explanatory.  Unfortunately though I do feel the root of a good portion of this anxiety is directly rooted to some very negative feedback I received regularly about my appearance from a family member when I was younger, and really most of my life. Some of these are direct quotes. Aside from my personal reasons I think we all in some way fear the judgments of others, and should remember to try to be more accepting.

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

On Fire for Anxiety 6

On fire for anxiety 5

I actually pushed a different unfinished comic through this week, feeling covering this specific idea right as Fan Expo is coming up would be ideal. As this comic represents how most cons go for me, cool as a cucumber on the outside, flaming wreck on the inside, and I’m sure many others are the same!

With me specifically I actually find that my anxiety always kicks in worst after the convention, to the point where I usually have full on panic attacks as part of recovering from a con. I tend to over analyze things that happen. I find its especially bad for me when I get to interact with so many people, many of them artists, some of which I look up to. Having so much going on at once leaves you open for many more wonderful moments, but also for more of those moments where you feel like an idiot.

I have found it to be getting better; Toronto Comicon 2016 was the first convention where the panic didn’t happen. Though I have done a smaller con since where it happened again. Over all I am working on mediating my interactions at cons, as I know a lot of the anxiety comes from an overload of social interaction. I make sure to take some time away from the crowds alone where and when I can. Or find small moments to myself using headphones and music to cancel out some of what is going on around me (especially when setting up).

I hope this this little comic is just a bit of comfort, we are not alone. Whether you hide your panic or wear it on your sleeve, we have all been there and understand. Find me with Jaded Dragon Studio at Table A382.

If you would like to support my work you can do so at http://www.patreon.com/beccatr

On fire for anxiety 5